After having been sent an image which showed an ancient Sumerian tablet containing someone's complaint about the delivery of a wrong type of a copper by a friend of mine, I decided to write something in the same vain as that, just in Ancient Greek.
PDF version typeset with LaTeX in a nice, hand-written-looking font.
Χαῖρε, ὦ Θεόφιλε. πέπομφα τῶν δούλών μου ἕνα ἵνα ἀγοράσοιτι χαλκόν τινὰ ἀπὸ σοῦ· καὶ τοῦ παραγίγνεσθαι αὐτὸν εἰς τὸν οἶκόν σου καὶ τὰ ἀργύρια ἐν ταῖς χειρσίν σου τεθέντα, τότε ἀπέπλευσε αὖθις ἐπί με. καὶ τοῦ παραγενομένου αὐτοῦ ἐν τῷ οἶκῳ μου, ἔθετο τὸν χαλκὸν σὸν ἐν ταῖς χειρσί μου· ἀλλὰ τοῦ ἰδεῖν με ὅτι οὐκ ἐστὶ ὁ χαλκὸς ὃν ἠθέληκα, ἔκραξα πρὸς τὸν δοῦλόν μου λεγὼν ὅτι Οὐκ ἐστὶν ἀγαθὸς οὗτος· διὰ τὶ τοῦτον τὸν χαλκὸν ἠγόρασεν; ἐκφέρε τοῦτον. αὐτὸν τύψαι μὲν ἐθέλων, ὁ δ’ἀπεκρίθη μοι λεγών ὅτι Ἀλλ’, ὦ κύριε, οὗτος ἀληθῶς ἐστὶ ὁ χαλκός ὃ πωλεῖται ὑπὸ τοῦ Θεοφίλου. ὀργισαμένου οὖν αὖθις καὶ κραξαμένου πρὸς τὸν δοῦλόν μου, ἐκώλυσα αὐτὸν λέγων ὅτι Φέρέ μοί τι γράψαι· δεῖ με Θεοφίλῳ ἐπιστολὴν πέμψαι. καὶ τοῦτο νῦν ποιῶ.
Εὖ οἶδας, ὦ ἀγαθέ φίλε, ὅτι ἠθέλησα ἀπὸ σοῦ τούτον τὸν χαλκὸν ἀγοράσαι διότι ἀγαθὸν μὲν ἐφάνατο ὄν ὅτε παρὰ σε ἦν καὶ δ’ὑπισχοῦ ὅτι ὁ ἄριστος πάντων τῶν χαλκοπωλῶν τῇ χώρᾳ ταύτῃ εἶ· ἀλλὰ ψευδολογήσας· τί ἐγίγνετο τῷ χαλκῷ ὅν ἔδιξάς μοι ἐν τῷ με πρὸς τὸν οἶκόν σου εἶναι; βούλομαι εἰδέναι. ὧν ἕνεκα νῦν τὸν μὲν ἀποληφθέντα χαλκόν μὴ ἀποδώσω σοι, καὶ δ’ἄλλον τῶν δούλων πέμψω πρός σε ἵνα τὸν ἀγαθὸν χαλκὸν ὃν ἠθέλησα σχαῖ ἀπ’ ἀρχῆς λάβῃ. ἴσθι καὶ ὅτι ὅπλοις ἐλεύσεται οὒς χρᾶται ἐὰν αὐτὸν μὴ διδῷς τὸν χαλκόν· ἀλλὰ πρῶτος ἄγγελον πέμψω ἵνα τὴν ἐπιστολήν μου ἀναγνῶσαι δυνῇ πρὸ τοῦ τὸν δοῦλον παραγίγνεσθαι.
Θέλω τὴν φιλίαν ἡμῶν φυλάττειν, Θεόφιλε, ἀλλὰ μηκέτι γελάσεις ἐὰν μὴ δέχωμαι τὸν χαλκὸν ὃν ὀφείλείς μοι. ἐῶ ὃν πέμπω εἰς τὸν οἶκον σὸν ἰέναι καὶ δίδοσο αὐτῷ ὃ ἂν ἐθέλοι. Ἐξελεύσεται τῷ χαλκῷ ἀγαθῷ καὶ οὐ τῷ κακῷ καὶ ἐάσεις ἔξω ὕβρεως αὐτὸν ἐξιέναι· ἀλλ’ ἐὰν παραγίγνηται καὶ ἐν τῷ σε εὑρεῖν ἀποθανεῖται αὐτὸν, ἐλεύσονται οἱ ἄλλοι δούλοί μου ὅπλοις καὶ ἀποθανόντα σε ληψόμεθα πάντα καὶ οὐ θέλω τοῦτο, τί τὸτε γὰρ γένοιτο ἂν τοῖς παισίν σου καὶ τῇ γυναικί σου; ἐλπίζωμεν ὅτι μήποτε ἐξευρίσκεις. Ἔρρωσο
Chaire, ō Theophile. pepompha tōn doulōn mou hena hina agorasoiti chalkon tina apo sou; kai tou paragignesthai auton eis ton oikon sou kai ta argyria en tais cheirsin sou tethenta, tote apepleuse authis epi me. kai tou paragenomenou autou en tō oikō mou, etheto ton chalkon son en tais cheirsi mou; alla tou idein me hoti ouk esti ho chalkos hon ēthelēka, ekraxa pros ton doulon mou legōn hoti Ouk estin agathos houtos; dia ti touton ton chalkon ēgorasen? ekphere touton. auton typsai men ethelōn, ho d’apekrithē moi legōn hoti All’, ō kyrie, houtos alēthōs esti ho chalkos ho pōleitai hypo tou Theophilou. orgisamenou oun authis kai kraxamenou pros ton doulon mou, ekōlysa auton legōn hoti Phere moi ti grapsai; dei me Theophilō epistolēn pempsai. kai touto nyn poiō.
Eu oidas, ō agathe phile, hoti ēthelēsa apo sou touton ton chalkon agorasai dioti agathon men ephanato on hote para se ēn kai d’hypischou hoti ho aristos pantōn tōn chalkopōlōn tē chōra tautē ei; alla pseudologēsas; ti egigneto tō chalkō hon edixas moi en tō me pros ton oikon sou einai? boulomai eidenai. hōn heneka nyn ton men apolēphthenta chalkon mē apodōsō soi, kai d’allon tōn doulōn pempsō pros se hina ton agathon chalkon hon ēthelēsa schai ap’ archēs labē. isthi kai hoti hoplois eleusetai ous chratai ean auton mē didōs ton chalkon; alla prōtos angelon pempsō hina tēn epistolēn mou anagnōsai dynē pro tou ton doulon paragignesthai.
Thelō tēn philian hēmōn phylattein, Theophile, alla mēketi gelaseis ean mē dechōmai ton chalkon hon opheileis moi. eō hon pempō eis ton oikon son ienai kai didoso autō ho an etheloi. Exeleusetai tō chalkō agathō kai ou tō kakō kai easeis exō hybreōs auton exienai; all’ ean paragignētai kai en tō se heurein apothaneitai auton, eleusontai hoi alloi douloi mou hoplois kai apothanonta se lēpsometha panta kai ou thelō touto, ti tote gar genoito an tois paisin sou kai tē gynaiki sou? elpizōmen hoti mēpote exeuriskeis. Errōso
Hello Theophilus. I had sent one of my slaves so that he might buy some copper from you and, upon his having arrived in your house and handing you the money, he once again set sail. Then, after his having arrived in my house, he placed the money into my hands; but upon my noticing that it wasn't the copper I wanted, I shouted at my slave, saying, "This isn't the good stuff! Why'd you buy this copper? Get it away from me!". Wanting to strike him, he answered saying, "But Master, it truly is the copper which was bought from Theophilus!" Once more becoming angry and shouting at my slave, I ordered him to "Bring me something to write! I need to write a letter to Theophilus." And that's what I am now doing.
You know well, my good friend, that I wanted to buy the copper from you since it appeared to be (of) good (quality) when I was with you and because you promised that you were the best copper-seller in all the country; but you lied! What has happened to the copper which you showed me while I was at your house? I want to know! Because of this I will not send the copper I have received back to you but rather, I will send yet another slave to you so that he might get the copper wanted to have from the beginning. Also know that he will come with weapons which he will use if you do not give him the copper; but first I will send a messenger so that you might read this message before the arrival of my slave.
I wish to keep this friendship of ours, Theophilus, but you shall no longer laugh if I do not receive the copper you owe me! Allow whom I send to go into your house and give him whatever he requires. He will leave with the good copper — and not the bad — and you will let him leave without violence. But if you, after my slave's arrival, you find him and immediately have him killed, my other slaves will be sent with weapons and, having killed you, take everything (that you own); and I do not want that. For what might then happen to your children and your wife? Let us hope you will never find out.